Satire: What Riles me up with Riley — Lobby Couples

You know what Riles me up : Lobby couples. Imagine that it’s a Saturday and you want to watch the big game with your buddies. You’ve all got your jerseys on; you’ve ordered hot wings and pizza as well. It’s going to be a great day. Suddenly, as you ride the elevator down to the lobby: BOOM! You see the freshest lobby couple around watching the Notebook for the 18th time. It’s happened to everyone at some point at Johnson. We have been hit with the problem and awkwardness that arises from the aforementioned lobby couples. Whether you want to watch a movie with friends, play a board game, or even get some homework done, lobby couples have been depriving us of our right as Johnson students to use the lobbies in peace.

Seriously guys, how did we get to this point? It’s like we are being held captive in our own lobbies. “Hmm…where could we go for a romantic night out on the town? Well, I hear that the lobby is nice this time of year. Why don’t we go and watch six hours of romantic comedies on Netflix while I awkwardly put my arm around you the entire time?” Look lobby couples, when you decide to have date night in the lobby, you are not having a romantic evening. You are essentially inviting the entirety of Johnson on a date. Trust me, we hear and see a lot more than you would probably like us to. I understand that the theme of chapel is participation in the Gospel, but the entirety of Johnson doesn’t want to participate in your relationship.

While looking at this problem I was struck with the question: why do we have lobby couples? I think I’ve come to a conclusion. The real problem is that some people enter their first relationships in college. Being in a first relationship is fun and exciting, but out of this arises…lobby couples. When people get a girlfriend or boyfriend for the first time, they want to shove it in everyone else’s face to subconsciously get back at all the people who never believed it would happen. Thus, we subsequently get lobby couples trying to show off the fact that they got game to their homeboys and homegirls. Another theory I have had is that there are not enough places to hang out on campus for couples. Granted, the open dorms thing is working wonders. You would think that couples would be satisfied spending time with each other once a month while being stared at by passing freshman.

Lobby couples, I know it seems like I’m out for blood here, but I just want my lobby back. Hopefully in the future we can invent some kind of transportation device that allows couples to go off campus for dates, but alas, I assume I’ll probably suffer for now. Lobby couples, if you actually do get a chance to read this and wonder in your heart how you can bring about change, I would advocate for staying a respectable 10 feet from your boyfriend or girlfriend with limited-to-no physical contact, maybe a handshake if you’re feeling rebellious.

love couple sunset sunrise


4 Replies to “Satire: What Riles me up with Riley — Lobby Couples”

  1. This is not cool.
    Why do you have lobby couples? Because they are also broke college students who want to spend time with someone (a healthy amount of time with someone – which once a month is not). Believe me they would rather be somewhere else too, literally anywhere else – and they hear you whispering about them and feel awkward as crap too. So instead of being unkind about it, advocate for more coed hangout spaces on campus because there are like 6 for 800 students, and not in an article that makes those couples more awkward and guilt-ridden than they already are. You can watch the game with your bros in your room. They literally cannot be anywhere else without spending money (gas costs).

    1. I appreciate the feedback and understand that their isn’t enough space on campus for couples to hang out. On the other hand though I do believe the situation by the couples themselves could be handled more effectively

  2. I agree with the above comment. There are just not enough spaces in this uncommon community for all of us to not be in the lobby space. It gets expensive to leave campus anytime we want to be with each other and we can’t afford that! You need to chill out on attacking people and take their perspective for a chance!! And a handshake? Really?! That’s just ridiculous of you to have posted.

  3. The above comment was not posted by Brai. It was a joke by a moron and should be disregarded.

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