What Riles me up with Riley: Fire alarms

You know what Riles me up: The FIRE ALARM GOING OFF AT 11 AT NIGHT. I’m talking to you Burnt Popcorn Guy. We all know that it’s your fault. Honestly, if you don’t stop burning the midnight popcorn, I’m going to find a way to ban popcorn at Johnson like Crown College bans bananas. Romans 14:21 says, “It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother or sister to fall.” Look Burnt Popcorn Guy, your popcorn habit is causing all of us to fall. The sad and angry expressions on all of our faces are not godly. Seriously, you’re causing all of us to be paranoid when it comes to popcorn now. I saw popcorn at Walmart the other day, instinctively ran to the clothing section, grabbed shorts, and ran out. This isn’t just your fault though Burnt Popcorn Guy. It’s the university’s fault as well for taking our safety this seriously. When they bring us out there, we know darn well that this fire alarm isn’t legit. It’s like lobby couples, unnecessary and annoying.

I was able to speak with a Joe King who is responsible for arriving to the scene when these fire alarms go off. He had this to say:

“Because of Burnt Popcorn Guy, I’ve sacrificed everything: my wife, my kids, and any free time I could possibly have. When I have to wake up in the middle of the night to see the same desolate burnt bag, I cannot control my despair. People that participate in this crime should consider themselves as second class citizens on par with thieves, murderers and Ben Rector fans.”

On a personal note Burnt Popcorn Guy, I was almost you. Last year in my first semester at JU I almost set off the fire alarm…but I didn’t. Like everyone else, I used common sense and threw my microwave out of the window. So actually, there is no sympathy here. Get your stuff together Burnt Popcorn Guy. You’re making us suffer.
Did I ask the university to take safety this seriously? No. I did not. Let me be the judge of whether I need to evacuate the building. In fact, I think that it would be best to combat these fire alarm drills with: No Koinonia! No participation! Pop some head phones in and tough it out. If you see some flames or smoke, then consider taking them out. Johnson University needs to have more faith. We’re a Bible college for crying out loud. We’re not going down in some popcorn related fire. We have people on campus that are the future pastors of America. Nothing bad is going to happen to us.
As I did on my last “What Riles Me Up” segment, I want a call for action from Burnt Popcorn Guy, from Johnson, and from the world at large. Burnt Popcorn Guy, get your stuff together. We have windows for a reason. Crack it open if you happen to burn your popcorn. This is your final warning. Seriously, imma be coming at you like a thief in the night if you don’t. If you consider burning your popcorn, I think you should remember some wise words. Dwight Shrute once said, “Before I do anything, I ask myself: Would an idiot do that? If the answer is ‘No’, I do not do that thing.” Think like Dwight guys. It’s not that hard.

As for Johnson, I realize sleep is important. So, let’s not play any political games. In fact, one Johnson math major says that Johnson students lose an average of 6 hours of sleep each semester due to fire alarm drills. If you want us to perform better in the class room, provide for us a means to get some rest. I also realize that we here a Johnson are #blessed. If someone goes down in a fire, they must not be holy enough #shadrach#meshach and #abednego. As Smokey the Bear once said, “Only you can prevent Johnson University fire alarms.”

Do you have something that Riles you up? Here at the Royal scribe, we are for the people, and your opinion needs to be heard. If there is something that you would like me to rant about, you can email me at Riley.Reinhardt@JohnsonU.edu


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