Satire: Emailagedon sparks campus crisis

On Sunday December 2, a campus-wide crisis took place when an email was sent out to all staff and students, but nobody responded.

Dean of Students, Dave Legg sent an email out to everybody on campus, but many students and staff, such as freshman Ben Soper, were too afraid to respond after the first emailagedon of 2018 concerning payment for succulent Chick-Fil-A chicken biscuits.

“I…I responded to that first email about the Chick-Fil-A biscuit,” Soper said, “the retribution I received…it was just too much.”

Many students were concerned as to why they got the email concerning the payment. Some in particular were concerned about data usage while others wanted to argue that DC is better than Marvel.

On Dec. 2, Legg sent another email out asking everybody to respond to a survey about open dorms. However, instead of sending it to just students, he accidentally sent it to everybody involved with Johnson, including alumni, staff, and donors. After seeing what he had done, he was fearful of a second emailagedon.

“You would think after that first mistake with the chicken biscuits I would have learned,” Legg said. After saying this, he just started chuckling, smiling, and shaking his head. While shrugging Legg said, “It is what it is.”

When nobody responded to the email, the Student Life Office immediately went into a panic as they didn’t know what to do in order to make a decision about open dorms for the coming semester. It didn’t take long for the panic to spread out among the campus and soon heated arguments broke out among the two factions that formed: the Responders and the Deleters.

“Do you understand how annoying it was to be getting all of these dumb emails that late at night,” said sophomore Justus York, spokesman for the Deleters. The Responders declined to comment.

After the many fights and debates were finally broken up by campus security and various administrators, Johnson finally decided to just delete the dreaded JU info email address.

“That email address was probably a necessity to have,” Legg said, “but the risk of another outbreak like this was too great. It’s just for the best we deleted it.”

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