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What Riles me up with Riley: Fire alarms

You know what Riles me up: The FIRE ALARM GOING OFF AT 11 AT NIGHT. I’m talking to you Burnt Popcorn Guy. We all know that it’s your fault. Honestly, if you don’t stop burning the midnight popcorn, I’m going to find a way to ban popcorn at Johnson like Crown College bans bananas. Romans 14:21 says, “It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother or sister to fall.” Look Burnt Popcorn Guy, your popcorn habit is causing all of us to fall. The sad and angry expressions on all of our faces are not godly. Seriously, you’re causing all of us to be paranoid when it comes to popcorn now. I saw popcorn at Walmart the other day, instinctively ran to the clothing section, grabbed shorts, and ran out. This isn’t just your fault though Burnt Popcorn Guy. It’s the university’s fault as well for taking our safety this seriously. When they bring us out there, we know darn well that this fire alarm isn’t legit. It’s like lobby couples, unnecessary and annoying.

I was able to speak with a Joe King who is responsible for arriving to the scene when these fire alarms go off. He had this to say:

“Because of Burnt Popcorn Guy, I’ve sacrificed everything: my wife, my kids, and any free time I could possibly have. When I have to wake up in the middle of the night to see the same desolate burnt bag, I cannot control my despair. People that participate in this crime should consider themselves as second class citizens on par with thieves, murderers and Ben Rector fans.”

On a personal note Burnt Popcorn Guy, I was almost you. Last year in my first semester at JU I almost set off the fire alarm…but I didn’t. Like everyone else, I used common sense and threw my microwave out of the window. So actually, there is no sympathy here. Get your stuff together Burnt Popcorn Guy. You’re making us suffer.
Did I ask the university to take safety this seriously? No. I did not. Let me be the judge of whether I need to evacuate the building. In fact, I think that it would be best to combat these fire alarm drills with: No Koinonia! No participation! Pop some head phones in and tough it out. If you see some flames or smoke, then consider taking them out. Johnson University needs to have more faith. We’re a Bible college for crying out loud. We’re not going down in some popcorn related fire. We have people on campus that are the future pastors of America. Nothing bad is going to happen to us.
As I did on my last “What Riles Me Up” segment, I want a call for action from Burnt Popcorn Guy, from Johnson, and from the world at large. Burnt Popcorn Guy, get your stuff together. We have windows for a reason. Crack it open if you happen to burn your popcorn. This is your final warning. Seriously, imma be coming at you like a thief in the night if you don’t. If you consider burning your popcorn, I think you should remember some wise words. Dwight Shrute once said, “Before I do anything, I ask myself: Would an idiot do that? If the answer is ‘No’, I do not do that thing.” Think like Dwight guys. It’s not that hard.

As for Johnson, I realize sleep is important. So, let’s not play any political games. In fact, one Johnson math major says that Johnson students lose an average of 6 hours of sleep each semester due to fire alarm drills. If you want us to perform better in the class room, provide for us a means to get some rest. I also realize that we here a Johnson are #blessed. If someone goes down in a fire, they must not be holy enough #shadrach#meshach and #abednego. As Smokey the Bear once said, “Only you can prevent Johnson University fire alarms.”

Do you have something that Riles you up? Here at the Royal scribe, we are for the people, and your opinion needs to be heard. If there is something that you would like me to rant about, you can email me at Riley.Reinhardt@JohnsonU.edu

 

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Satire: What Riles me up with Riley — Lobby Couples

You know what Riles me up : Lobby couples. Imagine that it’s a Saturday and you want to watch the big game with your buddies. You’ve all got your jerseys on; you’ve ordered hot wings and pizza as well. It’s going to be a great day. Suddenly, as you ride the elevator down to the lobby: BOOM! You see the freshest lobby couple around watching the Notebook for the 18th time. It’s happened to everyone at some point at Johnson. We have been hit with the problem and awkwardness that arises from the aforementioned lobby couples. Whether you want to watch a movie with friends, play a board game, or even get some homework done, lobby couples have been depriving us of our right as Johnson students to use the lobbies in peace.

Seriously guys, how did we get to this point? It’s like we are being held captive in our own lobbies. “Hmm…where could we go for a romantic night out on the town? Well, I hear that the lobby is nice this time of year. Why don’t we go and watch six hours of romantic comedies on Netflix while I awkwardly put my arm around you the entire time?” Look lobby couples, when you decide to have date night in the lobby, you are not having a romantic evening. You are essentially inviting the entirety of Johnson on a date. Trust me, we hear and see a lot more than you would probably like us to. I understand that the theme of chapel is participation in the Gospel, but the entirety of Johnson doesn’t want to participate in your relationship.

While looking at this problem I was struck with the question: why do we have lobby couples? I think I’ve come to a conclusion. The real problem is that some people enter their first relationships in college. Being in a first relationship is fun and exciting, but out of this arises…lobby couples. When people get a girlfriend or boyfriend for the first time, they want to shove it in everyone else’s face to subconsciously get back at all the people who never believed it would happen. Thus, we subsequently get lobby couples trying to show off the fact that they got game to their homeboys and homegirls. Another theory I have had is that there are not enough places to hang out on campus for couples. Granted, the open dorms thing is working wonders. You would think that couples would be satisfied spending time with each other once a month while being stared at by passing freshman.

Lobby couples, I know it seems like I’m out for blood here, but I just want my lobby back. Hopefully in the future we can invent some kind of transportation device that allows couples to go off campus for dates, but alas, I assume I’ll probably suffer for now. Lobby couples, if you actually do get a chance to read this and wonder in your heart how you can bring about change, I would advocate for staying a respectable 10 feet from your boyfriend or girlfriend with limited-to-no physical contact, maybe a handshake if you’re feeling rebellious.

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