Category: Satire

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Satire: Emailagedon Sparks Campus Crisis

On Sunday December 2, a campus-wide crisis took place when an email was sent out to all staff and students, but nobody responded.

Dean of Students, Dave Legg sent an email out to everybody on campus, but many students and staff, such as freshman Ben Soper, were too afraid to respond after the first emailagedon of 2018 concerning payment for succulent Chick-Fil-A chicken biscuits.

“I…I responded to that first email about the Chick-Fil-A biscuit,” Soper said, “the retribution I received…it was just too much.”

Many students were concerned as to why they got the email concerning the payment. Some in particular were concerned about data usage while others wanted to argue that DC is better than Marvel.

On Dec. 2, Legg sent another email out asking everybody to respond to a survey about open dorms. However, instead of sending it to just students, he accidentally sent it to everybody involved with Johnson, including alumni, staff, and donors. After seeing what he had done, he was fearful of a second emailagedon.

“You would think after that first mistake with the chicken biscuits I would have learned,” Legg said. After saying this, he just started chuckling, smiling, and shaking his head. While shrugging Legg said, “It is what it is.”

When nobody responded to the email, the Student Life Office immediately went into a panic as they didn’t know what to do in order to make a decision about open dorms for the coming semester. It didn’t take long for the panic to spread out among the campus and soon heated arguments broke out among the two factions that formed: the Responders and the Deleters.

“Do you understand how annoying it was to be getting all of these dumb emails that late at night,” said sophomore Justus York, spokesman for the Deleters. The Responders declined to comment.

After the many fights and debates were finally broken up by campus security and various administrators, Johnson finally decided to just delete the dreaded JU info email address.

“That email address was probably a necessity to have,” Legg said, “but the risk of another outbreak like this was too great. It’s just for the best we deleted it.”

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Satire: What Riles me up with Riley — Lobby Couples

You know what Riles me up : Lobby couples. Imagine that it’s a Saturday and you want to watch the big game with your buddies. You’ve all got your jerseys on; you’ve ordered hot wings and pizza as well. It’s going to be a great day. Suddenly, as you ride the elevator down to the lobby: BOOM! You see the freshest lobby couple around watching the Notebook for the 18th time. It’s happened to everyone at some point at Johnson. We have been hit with the problem and awkwardness that arises from the aforementioned lobby couples. Whether you want to watch a movie with friends, play a board game, or even get some homework done, lobby couples have been depriving us of our right as Johnson students to use the lobbies in peace.

Seriously guys, how did we get to this point? It’s like we are being held captive in our own lobbies. “Hmm…where could we go for a romantic night out on the town? Well, I hear that the lobby is nice this time of year. Why don’t we go and watch six hours of romantic comedies on Netflix while I awkwardly put my arm around you the entire time?” Look lobby couples, when you decide to have date night in the lobby, you are not having a romantic evening. You are essentially inviting the entirety of Johnson on a date. Trust me, we hear and see a lot more than you would probably like us to. I understand that the theme of chapel is participation in the Gospel, but the entirety of Johnson doesn’t want to participate in your relationship.

While looking at this problem I was struck with the question: why do we have lobby couples? I think I’ve come to a conclusion. The real problem is that some people enter their first relationships in college. Being in a first relationship is fun and exciting, but out of this arises…lobby couples. When people get a girlfriend or boyfriend for the first time, they want to shove it in everyone else’s face to subconsciously get back at all the people who never believed it would happen. Thus, we subsequently get lobby couples trying to show off the fact that they got game to their homeboys and homegirls. Another theory I have had is that there are not enough places to hang out on campus for couples. Granted, the open dorms thing is working wonders. You would think that couples would be satisfied spending time with each other once a month while being stared at by passing freshman.

Lobby couples, I know it seems like I’m out for blood here, but I just want my lobby back. Hopefully in the future we can invent some kind of transportation device that allows couples to go off campus for dates, but alas, I assume I’ll probably suffer for now. Lobby couples, if you actually do get a chance to read this and wonder in your heart how you can bring about change, I would advocate for staying a respectable 10 feet from your boyfriend or girlfriend with limited-to-no physical contact, maybe a handshake if you’re feeling rebellious.

love couple sunset sunrise

 

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An Adequate Society

It is in these present days that America has seen its worst: a new age of terrorism established that sends armies and anxieties worldwide, unprecedented climate change that sparks fires in the west and hurricanes in the east, a political divide that leads both sides shouting over who should sit in which chair, and the most troublesome of all: the murderers, rapists, and drug dealers that continue to flood our streets every day in this land of the free.

Hailing from a far-distant land, these usurpers seem to be inherently designed to step into a country that is not their own, as if seeking to better their lives. Can they not see that our country already has enough problems of its own? America is in shambles with its greater liberties, better healthcare, and readily available security in times of crisis. It seems inconceivable why anyone ought to consider coming to this nation with all its hardships.

Whereas these foreigners only surmount to the esteemed title of “offender” or “troublemaker,” one can only assume that some of these outsiders are “good people,” but there is little evidence to support such a statement. Do not try to blind me with evidence that our country took land from their “country” back in the 1840s; nor the evidence that they helped to defend our country in the Second Great War; do not certainly point me towards the fact that they have families and work the jobs most Americans would not want to work. How dare these individuals to assume the workforce positions that Americans themselves could not surmount to fulfil? After all, the American virtue is to abhor someone doing the jobs Americans abhor. Those that come across impede our desire to joyfully not do something; now we fill our breaths with angst at the sight of the others doing something we would rather not do. It is our right to do so because America is the land of the free.

Indeed, the notion that any individual should aspire to become a contributing factor for the betterment of our nation is a glorious endeavor. However, if your name is synonymous with Judge Gonzalo Curiel, you are unqualified to hold office. America only accepts its finest, those being described as Kavanaugh or other noble and sober representatives, to the shared American ideal among its Congress. These “others” should take careful consideration to the sacrifice this country has made to ensure its survivability: if we can get rid of native Indians, surely we can ostracize those that desire opportunities not present in their own country. American first, we say. Land of the free.

In an attempt to settle this matter effectively, a wall must be built between these borders. In addition, so I do not fail to mention the aforementioned cases running rampant in this country, a mass forced exodus is required to adequately offset the burden of people that contribute to the betterment of our nation. Whether farmers or engineers, pilots or police officers, doctors or soldiers, the populace that has not been included in any census since the inception of such an enumerating sequence ought to be escorted politely with drawn weapons, eloquently with warrantless entries, and humanely, as to separate mother from daughter, father from son, so that even their children know that they cannot possibly be adequate members of society, and that dreaming is the best course of action for their hope in this great nation. After all, America is the land of the free, unless you are not born here.

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Riddle Me This

I go by many names
Record keeper or clerk
For some, I’m hard to describe
On this page, I may even lurk

In ancient times, we were the ones
Who read and wrote all things
By our orders, a country runs
For it is we who serve the kings

I trained for many years
day by day, recording new events
I tried to be the best among my peers
I am the one that a commoner resents

What am I?

Look for the answer on Friday!